it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
