Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
