I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
