so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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