can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
