somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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