i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
