Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
