I cannot find my penis.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
