I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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