dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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