I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Pants are for mortals
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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