Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
