I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
