Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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