I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
