He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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