so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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