I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
