Betty ford says i'm here all night
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
