It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
