She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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