his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
