doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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