The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
