how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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