How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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