Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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