i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
