Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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