I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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