my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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