I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
