Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers