i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
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He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here