my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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