If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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