Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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