so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
