He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
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This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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