Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
