Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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