I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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