I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
