PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
