: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
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Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
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I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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