Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
