I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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