24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
