If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
