I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
