How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
