i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
