i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
In America we eat man semen.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
