oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
