just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
