Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
