Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
