Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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