My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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