just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
