Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
