so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
