My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I believe in your delicious
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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