May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
