so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
