evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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