The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
