sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
God I need to hump something, right now.
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