the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
