Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hello my rib-scented angel!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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